Road Rage!

08 Jun

Hanging is WAY too good for them!!

Messerschmitt had the right idea in WWII – a 20mm cannon sticking out of the front! They wouldn’t argue with THAT!! Not TWICE anyway!!

What am I talking about? Isn’t it obvious? Other bloody road users, that’s what!!

And why the double exclamation marks? Because they’ve got me REALLY cross, that’s why!!

O.K. I’ll calm down and try to explain.

I have two principal routes to get from my home (in Peterborough) to my work (in March).

Route A is about twenty miles and after an initial whizz around the underside of Peterborough on one of its many Parkways, involves taking a comparatively minor road through Whittlesey and negotiating no less than four unmanned railway crossings. On a good day it takes about forty minutes.

Route B is about twenty five miles and again utilises the Parkways to go over the top of Peterborough and along the A47 which is supposed to be the main trunk road between Norwich and Leicester. It does not involve any railway level crossings at all and even contains five miles or so of REALLY fast (not more than 70 mph OF COURSE!) dual carriageway, the Thorney bypass! Consequently, on a good day it takes about 40 minutes!

So, except for petrol consumption, nothing much to choose between them. Other than roadworks, that is!

At the present time there is NO single route that you can take across Peterborough that does not involve massed traffic cones, contra flow systems, bridge repairs or carriageway widening work. In fact I have this image of someone at the controls of a Local Council CCTV system spotting a motorist travelling at more than 20 mph and immediately ordering out the lorry with the traffic cones to put a stop to THAT!

The enforced blockage to Route A happens not long after I join the Parkway. I pass two junctions with slip roads and roundabouts over the top while on this road and then leave at the third junction. The current set up involves the road tapering down to a single lane just before my turning off but the merging into one lane begins just as the slip road from the previous junction merges in as well!

My pet baseball bat and I would REALLY like to meet the utter twat who arranged THAT system!

Most people get into the inside lane as soon as they see what is happening and if everyone just did that there would be no problem – we’d just slow down a bit.

HOWEVER, when lanes merge there is always some tosser who thinks he has an automatic right to zoom up to the front and push in at the last minute. I usually try to block such people by simply refusing to see them as they look hopefully at me to let them in. I figure that if they have to come to a stop they will get stuck there forever and that’ll teach ‘em not to try and bully ME! Unfortunately someone weaker willed than I normally lets them in!

Because of this bunch of pushy gits the queue gets longer and goes back under the junction. There is then a second set of jokers who see THIS and whizz off UP the slip road, over the roundabout and down again to get the jump on everyone from the left hand side!

Those of us who do it properly are now, therefore, getting cut up from BOTH sides and this has so infuriated me that I have abandoned that route for now in favour of Route B.

I took Route B this morning. It involves travelling along one of the lesser used Parkways to a junction (a roundabout under the A47) which requires a right turn and then a slip road up to merge into the major road.

It is the queue for the roundabout that gives me high blood pressure!

The lanes are CLEARLY marked – inside (left hand) lane = left turn or straight on; outside (right hand) lane = right turn ONLY.

As more people turn right at this junction than go left or straight on see if you can guess what happens?

That’s right! All of the cocks who aren’t already annoying people on Route A come down the left hand lane and try to cut across on the roundabout to turn right. For some odd reason these tend to be BMWs, Audis and Volkswagen Golfs – I throw that fact in for no particular reason!

I have a tactic for dealing with these which also involves pretending not to be aware of them while speeding up or slowing down to remain alongside them until they run out of room and have to go straight on into a large estate where, hopefully, they get their wheels stolen!

I did that to someone this morning and he didn’t half hoot his horn to let me know he was there (as if that somehow made what he was doing acceptable)! Unfortunately something about the air pressure under that junction renders me temporarily deaf!

What these people (on either of my routes) do not seem to realise is that, to me and to all the others who get in the correct lane without feeling the need to disadvantage other drivers, they are CHEATING!

I happen to believe that “Cheating on the highway during rush hour” should be a criminal offence carrying the same penalty that “Committing Arson in a Royal Naval Dockyard” used to do until 1971 – that is, DEATH!

And that sentence should be carried out by putting the offender in a moving car (his own for preference) and having it crushed by heavy, armoured trucks converging on it from both sides! Then hitting what’s left with the aforementioned 20mm cannon!

They wouldn’t cut up ordinary people again!

Finally, can I just ask why it is that my wife always sees me off in the car with the following words:

“Drive carefully and watch out for all the other idiots”

OTHER idiots? I don’t understand.


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Posted by on June 8, 2009 in Uncategorized


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