25 Jun

I would like to refer you to my first ever posting in February 2009.

In it I explained the family reasons for the name “Little Alfie” and also mentioned that not only is it NOT my real name but that I am 6 foot 4 inches (1.98 metres) tall.

Incidentally I do HATE having to make that conversion in parenthesis but I do it out of a desire to help those who have not had the benefit of an old-fashioned education and NOT to appease the Euro-Metric Nazis – I want that clearly understood!

Still, that’s a whole other article! Back to my original thread!

As I said in the previous post – I am on holiday.

I was not, however, being entirely truthful when I said that I was not going away! This misdirection was intended to minimise the chances of some of my younger readership (who also know my true identity) from persuading my daughter, Hope, to have a party at our home! We should be back before it can be organised now!

So, I am actually writing this in a farm cottage in northern Cumbria where I am spending the week with Faith, Charity, Faith’s Mum and her dog, Lucy.

About ten years ago the place we’re staying in was a tiny Gamekeeper’s Cottage and a lot of associated outbuildings. It has since been partially torn down and rebuilt with a new extension and is now a good quality three bedroomed holiday home with a bathroom, a large “country” kitchen and a comfortable Lounge area.

However, let us look back to the beginning of this document and remind ourselves of my height. OK?

Let us also ponder that my “tiny Gamekeeper’s Cottage” phrase above can be taken two ways!

The first interpretation is that it was a tiny cottage for use by a Gamekeeper – and that was true.

The second way of looking at my words suggests that this was a cottage for a tiny Gamekeeper – and that also appears to be true!

The doorway to my bedroom only comes to my shoulder; that to the bathroom the bridge of my nose!

You can probably guess what’s coming!

I’m not stupid – I have a certificate that says I’m not – but just occasionally I forget I’m not at home and as a result there have now been three instances when the others in the house have heard, “THUD, OWWWWWW!!!” and found me sitting on the floor just in or out of one of those two rooms, conscious but dazed.

It has, of course, happened many times before, the worst instance being 1992 in Beaumaris Castle on the Isle of Anglesey where I walked along a dark corridor, didn’t see the low arched doorway in the corridor and did actually knock myself unconscious! When Faith found me (I had been bringing up the rear and wasn’t, therefore, immediately missed) I had just come round and was fluently cursing f***ing Mediaeval dwarfs!

It is, I’m afraid to say, an occupational hazard that a (to me) normal sized person in a world of past and present midgets just has to put up with! It’s no use complaining because all of the people with the power to do anything about it are short people (all people with power are short people – that’s why they crave the power in the first place!) and frankly not interested even if you try to invoke the gods of Health & Safety to get a warning notice put up.

And even if they did agree to do so the short-arsed workmen would probably put the notices too low to be seen by my-size people!

It is a form of prejudice that hasn’t yet been honoured with an “ism” and while you can’t discriminate against someone on grounds of race, colour, gender, disability, sexual orientation etc. it is still OK to do so on grounds of ALTITUDE!

I call this “APART HEIGHT”!

Cue Randy Newman , “Don’t want no short people round here”!


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Posted by on June 25, 2009 in Uncategorized


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