This morning I visited my Doctor’s surgery.
No problem, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
The Nurse at the practice wanted a sample of my blood for analysis. I try to convince myself that it’s because the National Blood Donor service has found that people given my contributions develop super-powers and they want to know why but I know that REALLY it’s for testing my Cholesterol level – something all men of my age are supposed to have done regularly.
To digress, I should mention that there is now a notice on the surgery door saying something like: “If you think you have Swine ‘flu do not come into this surgery – go home and phone up!”
This seems a bit harsh – a bit like saying “Go home sickies – we don’t want your sort around here!”
Having checked in at the counter I sat myself down and, there being nothing else to do, started watching some Breakfast TV show. I say “watching” very precisely as that was all I could do – the sound was turned off. They did however have these wonderful “typed live while the people are actually speaking” subtitles scrolling rapidly across the bottom of the screen.
Once upon a time all TV presenters spoke in standard, rather prim, formal sounding, accent free English and no-one had any difficulty working out what they were saying. Now, however, we have “diversity” which means that most of them have unmoderated regional accents that are almost unintelligible to anyone outside of a twenty mile radius of their place of origin!
And I think that it may very well have been such an accent that was confounding the poor soul who had simultaneously to translate and type those subtitles because I cannot believe that anyone could actually have been saying what was coming up on the screen!
There were many instances where, if I was quick, I could get what was meant and a couple which I made a mental note of and wrote down when I got back to the car.
The first of these came from what seemed to be a weather report from some holiday resort or other and apparently informed us that there would be “Harvey Rain later”. Who HE is I cannot now know!
Secondly, at the end of the holiday report part of the show we were informed that we could “Wayne a holiday” in some competition or other!
The best one though came when the interview with the Special Guest commenced.
The said guest was the ex-glamour model with the big jugs formerly known as “Jordan” who was introduced with her real name which came out in translation as “KATIE PIES”!
Somehow THAT didn’t seem inappropriate!
I was still chuckling over that when the nurse stuck a great big needle in my arm five minutes later!