I’d just like to share a little “quickie” with you.
No, I know it isn’t the best chat up line in the world ever but that isn’t what I meant!
Honestly! Your minds!
I’m sure you all are aware of the feeling you get when someone says something inappropriate to you and it is only after the moment has passed that you think of a snappy comeback line that if you said it now would just make you look a complete dork! I certainly am.
However, a couple of weeks ago I heard someone come back with just such a comment and the person who had made the original statement was rendered utterly speechless by it. Naturally I made a note of it for future use and added it to the other remarks I keep for similar circumstances.
1) The rather obvious response to a sales person or similar who still persists after my indicating an emphatically negative reply; “Which part of the word ‘NO’ did you not understand?”
2) The one that I cribbed from my late father who, when stopped in the street by people with clipboards conducting surveys, would say; “Certainly, I’ll answer your questions. My rate is £5 for the first three, or you can have eight for £10. How would you like to pay?”
Before I tell what the latest one is I should say that I think the expression that caused my response must be something that has appeared in American TV or movie dialogue because it isn’t good English and THAT is where most things that aren’t good English start from.
Therefore, like Scottish bagpipers in English town and city centres at the weekend, it is an abomination and should be stamped out or repatriated immediately!
Anyway, let me resume my story of how I got to use the previously overheard riposte.
I was in a city centre branch of the major UK bank known as Lloyds TSB paying a couple of bills. There were no other customers waiting in the queue and the cashier clearly felt inclined to be relaxed and chatty.
So she enquired about my health – but not in the expected way which should have involved a remark such as “How are you today?”
Not so. She said, “Are you GOOD?”
Do you feel the storm approaching?!
“NO!” I said, raising my voice slightly, “actually I am evil incarnate”, and then finished with “but I am WELL, thank you for asking!”
THAT wiped the insincere, sickly smile off her face!