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The sequel!

04 May

Something REALLY exciting happened today!

I was working on another article in my study this morning when, without any warning at all, a swirling bright blue vortex of energy a bit like a tiny horizontal tornado appeared over near the bookshelves! It was no more than six inches in diameter and as I could see another older-looking room through it I immediately deduced that it was a hyperspacial gateway to an alternate reality probably with some displacement on the time axis!

Before I could observe any other pertinent facts it began to emit a strange electrical crackling sound.

Suddenly an envelope shot through and fluttered to the floor causing me to take my eyes off the vortex which promptly disappeared!

The envelope (which was unsealed) was addressed to “W. Heinemann” in a VERY old fashioned hand and as it plainly wasn’t going to reach its intended recipient now I naturally opened it. Well, wouldn’t you?

There were two sheets of paper inside; the first was a letter, the second I’ll come to later.

As soon as I saw that it was signed “Herbert George Wells” I knew at once that here was something to arouse my Science Fiction enthusiasm because it was plainly a letter to his publisher William Heinemann. Here is what the letter said:

“My dear Heinemann,

I am extraordinarily gratified at the way “The War of the Worlds” has been received by the readers of Great Britain and, indeed, the world. So much so that I now wish to offer to you a synopsis of my ideas for a further book to continue the story. I hope that you will indulge me in this and will look with favour upon it.

My tale begins some two years after the fortuitous defeat of the Martians by our earthly diseases. Mankind has pulled itself together into a collective of nations held together largely by fear and the knowledge that the greater part of the Martian race still exists and continues to look covetously towards our world.

Our magnificent scientists, working in the knowledge that only one of our races can survive, have created a new explosive sufficiently powerful to propel a massive artillery shell towards Mars at the almost unbelievable speed of SIXTY MILLION miles per hour. The momentum of such a shell when aimed correctly would blast our neighbouring world to dust and, obviously, would need an enormous cannon to send it on its way.

Such a cannon has been built into a mountain on the eastern borders of Canada and its southern neighbour; a mountain that has first to be leased at great expense from one of the great native tribes to whom it is sacred.

I will, my friend, say no more of the story at this stage, save that if the artillery is to be fired it must be while Mars is at its closest distance of under fifty million miles and that this will occur during the present year of our lord 1900.

I hope that I have engaged your interest sufficiently that you will wish to publish and that you will also give consideration to the sheet that I enclose herewith. This contains a suggested mock newspaper headline that I believe we might use to publicise the eventual printing of the book.

I look forward to hearing your impressions on this and remain,

Yours most sincerely

Herbert George Wells”

I have since looked into some of the points that this remarkable letter raises and while the Victorians took a large amount of “science” to extremes that our Physics does not allow, the astronomical facts are correct – in 1900 Mars WAS at a very close forty five million miles from us.

The high speed cannon would certainly NOT have worked! It would probably have vaporised the holy mountain and the friendly tribe that owned it!

In our world no such sequel to “The War of the Worlds” by H.G. Wells was ever published by William Heinemann or any other publisher but of course we cannot know whether it found popularity in the alternate reality from which the letter came.

What we DO know is that we were mercifully spared Mr Wells’ early effort at advertising “hype”.

I mean to say, WHO, whether in their right mind or not, would give any credence WHATSOEVER to a newspaper headline that stated:

“Iroquois supergun! Delivers weapons of Mars destruction in 45 minutes!”

And yes, I admit it, the whole thing WAS contrived to arrive at that headline!

The King of Puns still rules!

Alfie

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3 Comments

Posted by on May 4, 2010 in Brilliant Puns!

 

Tags: , , ,

3 responses to “The sequel!

  1. Mike V.

    May 5, 2010 at 12:12 am

    WOW!!! I mean, like… WOW!!! That DEFINITELY transcends the genre of shaggy dog story. Worth PUBLISHING, mate. Well DONE! EASILY the best thing you’ve ever posted.

     
    • littlealfie

      May 6, 2010 at 9:11 pm

      Well! Plainly YOU liked it!

      My wife has read it and now wants me to write the book – the one the imaginary letter was about – apparently she really got into the synopsis of it!

      I think I prefer your suggestion of getting the article published (more or less) as it stands. If only I knew how.

      As my friend Mike T well knows I have been a fan of “punny” Sci-fi for some time and was inspired for this piece by re-reading Arthur C Clarke’s excellent short-short story “Neutron Tide” which I recommend to you if you don’t know it already. It gets an even bigger groan than my effort.

      Alfie

       
  2. Cy Quick

    April 6, 2011 at 6:19 am

    I still do not get it, after all this time.

    By the way, My Word was a great show for stories…

    I just GOT IT: MARS destruction… Very good. Erm, I ALWAYS laugh at puns, or at least smile, Are you telling me I am not normal. (Oh. I knew that.)

    …a great show for stories contrived to arrive at a well-known phrase, turned around a bit. Frank Muir and Denis Norden of course.

     

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