My old school friend, now known as “Vincent”, has begun the new year (and the decade – as he says ,”There was no year zero”!) with an amusing (if irritating) story about a women molested by Donald Duck at one of the Disney Parks! You can read this story and the follow up comments about it here http://morpheusatloppers.wordpress.com/2011/01/04/morpheus-on-laughable-legal-actions/.
And because I wanted to start off with something a bit light-hearted too but can’t think of one of my devastatingly contrived pun-stories at the moment I’ll just have to go with the following!
It transpires that somehow I have managed to drive my little black Nissan Micra the equivalent of three times around the world since I acquired it, brand new, in January 2004.
Since 72000 is a multiple of 9 and 9000 miles is the recommended service interval it has come about that a major service and the annual MOT test have become due at the same time so it was duly booked in at the local Nissan Main Dealer (no relation to the former South African President!) for the work to be done on Tuesday 4th January. And because I work 25 miles away and got my booking in good and early I was able to secure the promise of the use of one of their loan cars for the day.
I duly checked in just as they opened at 8 a.m. and was walked through the differences in the controls on the loan vehicle – at that time I couldn’t see what model of Nissan it was, just that it appeared to be bottom of the range and fitted out with a lot of cheap plastic. When I set off it made somewhat more of a growling noise that an engine that small really has any right to but I was soon distracted from that by the sight of the partially eclipsed sunrise that was occuring immediately ahead of me for most of the way from Peterborough to St. Ives.
It made a really nice change to have a crescent sun blinding me instead of the usual blazing ball and I quite enjoyed the trip up to the point near the end when I tried to clear some sprayed-up road salt solution off my front screen and found that the washer bottle was either empty or frozen up! Still, I only had to do about a mile trying to see through muddy grey stripes on the screen so it could have been worse!
Before I left in the evening (I got in late and my boss agreed I could leave early to make up for it!) I cleaned the screen with a bottle of water but found that the washers had thawed out so anticipated no such problems on the way back in the dark.
Just as I was leaving St.Ives, however, I noticed that the dirt was so thick on the BACK window that I couldn’t see a thing through it.
So I operated the rear washer switch and nothing happened!
So I operated it again – for longer!
And this time something DID happen – I felt an extremely WET sensation in my right sock!
With suspicion dawning and being certain that I had NOT in fact had some sort of childish accident I tried the switch one more time and the wetness got worse! I drove back to the garage with little visibility out of the back of the car, and the heater on full blast directed down into the footwell to dry me out.
When I got back to the Service desk I was attended to by a lady at the next desk to the man who had booked me in that morning and naturally mentioned this problem with their loan vehicle.
On overhearing me the bloke at the next desk laughed and said “Oh! The pipe has disconnected itself again”.
I loved the “again” – if he knew about it why the hell didn’t he warn me it might happen?
And then the lady serving me joined in with “I think I’ve got one booked in tomorrow to have that problem sorted out”!
My curiosity got the better of me ; “What model is it exactly that’s getting this incontinence problem?”, I asked.
“It’s a Nissan Pixo” was the reply.
“Well they should have called it the Paxo”, I replied, “Because if you try to sell me one I’ll tell you where to stuff it!”
Quick as a flash I am sometimes!
And MY car? Well no major work was needed on the service and it got through the MOT after I agreed to a replacement battery so it’s ready for another three orbits!
Apparently it “failed the battery test” and only an old cynic like me would venture to suggest that said test consists of a mechanic asking “Is that the original 7 year old battery ?”, “Yes”, “Fail!”