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Little Alfie Goes to Town!

10 Sep

“Don’t all East Anglians have straw in their hair?” – Anonymous Bloke in any London Pub (possibly untrue)

So, hevven got fed up with all them short contracts what never came to nowt and the Missus hevven no fun at her job of payin’ bills on behalf of homes for folk what ent quite the full ticket, we both decided to pack it all in and become retarded or summink like that!

When we did that our kids bought us a riverboat trip as a present.

“Great”, thought I, “Oi’ll be able to net a few Eels as we go along the Nene”!

No so!

Turns out the trip is on the River THAMES, up that London!

Well – as thas an evenin trip that’d be a bit of a bugger to do it until about harf nine then haf to get back to that King’s Ex station for a train back to Peterborough! I know thas only an hour on the train but by then the buses are only every harf hour and full of drunks and rowdies! Besides we only got one Bus Pass between us.

So we fire up the compooter and go on that world wide Interweb thingy to find us a hotel. Swanky eh?

Anyhoo, come Wensday we gets our tickets out of a machine at the train station and heads orf on iron rood to that London. As I say that only take about an hour but when we arrives we has to get from Kings Ex to Victoria with a big wheelie suitcase an all.

Now I should tell you, this int the first time we bin to London – we int total yokels – but last time we bought tickets for the unnerground we got cardboard tickets what lasted all day. This time weren’t so easy – we had to get summat called a Lobster card which you has to tap on a little patch by those horrible little gates what open to let you through then snaps shut on on your luggage if you int quick enough!

Because you lose some of your credit every time you uses a bus or unnerground train it is important you get it right. I don’t have no trouble with getting from place to place with that London Transport – arter all it int no worse than trying to get to my doctor in Orton Goldhay using only footpaths!

The Missus though can’t never get it right – when she come up to London with her sister afore she met me, she say they always wound up at Whitechapel without meaning to.

Well we found our hotel – its called “Best Western” tho I don’t know why. There’s not a cowboy hat or picture of John Wayne to be seen! Maybe its ‘cos of all the Indians behind the reception desk.

Our room is in an “annex” across the rood from the main bit – possibly ‘cos we’re not posh – but it do have hair conditioning which seems to be the opposite of central heating and not anything to do with takin’ 2 bottles into the shower!

We had a bit of a mooch about in the arternoon then went off to our river trip from Westminster Pier. That did confuse me a bit on account of thinkin Westminster Pier was a member of the House of Lords but it turned out to be where we got on an open topped double-decker boat.

It was all very grand and they give us both a glass of that champagne as we went aboard. The food was a bit disappointing cos from the ticket I were expecting a nice can a’ peas from Capt. Birdseye or similar but what we got was these little bits of bread with fish paste or the like on them.

Still I got the Missus a nice gin an tonic and had a bottle of American beer on account of them not havin no Greene King Olde Bladderbuster Ale in the bar!

We went a long way down the river – nearly to that Canary Warf and the Minnellium Dome – and got lots of snaps of that new pointed building what the Missus say is called the Shart on account of it scare the sh*t out of everyone what live near it!

When that were all done we managed to use our lobster cards and got the right train back to Victoria and found the hotel in the dark.

We hev another busy day termorra and are goin to Camden Market where I hope we can pick up some cheap piglets. Then we’re goin to a show called “Sunny Arternoon” which I suppose must be about that special orange juice what the kids used to like and what used to make the little buggers stay awake all night!

May be oi’ll tell you about that another time though.

Your jet-settin old pal,

Alfie

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Posted by on September 10, 2016 in Holidays

 

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