The view from the tarmac!

08 Jun

Today Faith and I visited my old mum in Ipswich (the adjective “old” is just a factual description of her and is not meant to imply that I have another, newer, mother stashed away somewhere) and spotted a couple of things on the 100 mile trip there from Peterborough. I thought that I should share these with you along with my usual smart-arse comments!

In driving along the A14 one meets (often too closely for comfort) every possible variety of Heavy Goods Vehicle hauling all sizes of trailers or containers conveying the goods of just about every major retail company!

I noted with some concern that supermarket chain ASDA still has the “Saving you money every day!” slogan on the back of its trucks – you may recall that I gave you my reasons for objecting to this here:

Obviously their legal department is not amongst my readership!

It was, however, another slogan on the back of a lorry that caught my eye to the extent that I had to whip out my ever-present notebook and write it down. I was doing this while Faith was moving out into the “Executive Lane” to go past it so I didn’t actually get to see what company it belonged to.

What’s that?  “What do I mean by the Executive Lane?”

I don’t understand – you didn’t seriously think that the overtaking lane of dual carriageway roads or motorways was for use by the likes of you or me, did you? Oh no! You just ask any driver of a company owned BMW, Audi, Lexus or other top of the range make and you’ll find that this lane is indeed for the use of Company Executives and top Managers.

This explains their reluctance to let you out into that lane and the aggressive way they will hammer up behind you if you aren’t going as fast as they think you should!

Given my oft-stated antipathy to people in authority who aren’t as bright as I am, it also explains why I don’t take any notice of this aggression and why, when I do have no reason to hold them up any further my move back to my “proper place” is done as slowly and in as insolent a fashion as I can possibly manage! I just hope that the poor benighted workers that these people are on their way to repress appreciate my efforts in keeping them out of the office for a few more seconds!

ANYWAY….. back at the truck on the A14 – the words that I wrote down (which had no punctuation that I could see and which were capitalised as shown here) were:

Eat Healthy British Chicken

From this I drew the conclusion that the vehicle belonged to some sort of Poultry farmer or supplier but that had nothing to do with the remark that I made to my long-suffering wife when I looked up from my notebook.

Displaying my usual talent for looking at things in entirely the wrong way I indignantly commented:

“Why do they need to specify ‘Healthy’? Surely no-one is out there foisting UNHEALTHY British Chicken on us! If they are, I want to know about it now!”

The second note that I made was somewhere around Bury St. Edmunds when we came upon an unannounced speed limit with no apparent purpose. We were suddenly reduced from the normal 70mph limit to one of 50mph and there was no sign of any work going on – not even the sometimes seen team of minor criminals doing Community Service litter picks! A little way in there was a small and easily missed explanatory notice at the side of the road – a sign simple in its message but asking more questions than it answered:


Do you see what I mean? The list begins:

Whose safety?

What reasons?

Why 50mph – why not 40?

What is the normal purpose of speed limits then? There I was thinking that they were ALL there for “safety reasons” – if I’m wrong it must mean they’re only actually present because of some official’s personal whim and the revolutionary in me is starting to fire up!

I’ll let you debate that one amongst yourselves – for now I’ll just say that it is just as daft as the signs that were present along that same road a little nearer Ipswich a few years ago.

They had installed a whole series of those matrix message boards (I believe it was so that they could inform HGV drivers if bad weather at the East Coast ports necessitated parking up under an “Operation Stack” arrangement) but every single one of them had a yellow board at its base proclaiming “This notice board is not working”!

I always said that they could have saved an awful lot of yellow printed plastic if they’d have just lit up the boards and put the “…..not working” message on them!



Posted by on June 8, 2017 in Uncategorized


8 responses to “The view from the tarmac!

  1. David Wright

    June 9, 2017 at 12:28 am

    Eat healthy British chicken??? No thanks – I prefer them to be DEAD when I consume them. And if a chicken is dead – how can it be healthy? Surely dead is the very ANTITHESIS of healthy. Also, why are the cartoon chickens on KFC’s signage always LAUGHING AND SMILING? Don’t they know what HAPPENS to them there? I’ll stop now…

    • Alfie

      June 9, 2017 at 8:15 am

      I took it to mean “healthy right up to the point when it’s neck was wrung”! I’m hoping that no-one is putting DISEASED dead chickens into the food chain! Either way I thought it was ambiguous wording and someone’s marketing department should think again.

  2. Richard Wainer

    June 9, 2017 at 4:39 pm

    Reg here, I have similar observations about various road signs, e.g. ‘Cats Eyes Removed’ – I am always tempted to stop the car, get out, and with my trusty black marker add ‘ and dogs legs pulled off’ HoHum

    • Alfie

      June 9, 2017 at 6:30 pm

      That one was around for years on the stretch between Kings Lynn and Hunstanton and my daughters were quite upset the first time they saw it!

  3. Richard Wainer

    June 9, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    Here’s another that I ponder about ‘ Dogs Trust Re-homing Centre’ (on the A11 between Thetford and Norwich) – How do they know that the dogs trust them?

    • Alfie

      June 9, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      A bit like the annual “Just Dogs live” event at the East of England showground near me. Always wanted to add “Unjust Dogs DIE!” to the signs!

  4. Richard Wainer

    June 9, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    “SPEED LIMIT IN PLACE FOR SAFETY REASONS”! All speed limits are in place for safety reasons – where do the council find these people?

    • Alfie

      June 9, 2017 at 6:34 pm

      I’m very glad that both the sense of humour and the warped way of looking at things are “not just me”! Must have been something to do with how we were brought up.


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