So, heven had such a lovely time on our last trip up that London in September 2016 (despite them not letting me catch any eels on our river cruise and Camden Market not hevin no piglets for sale) the Missus and I decided to try it again!
Once again we hev done it all on that Interweb thingy off of the compooter (except for the tickets for the “iron rood” what I went and got from Peterborough station on the day before while the Missus was getting herself all tarted up at the hairdressers) and hev a different hotel this time – in Bayswater rather than Victoria.
Also, we’s not doing a river cruise this time – I think we’d be dodgin’ icebergs if we was. What we’s actually here for is a play by that woman wot wrote them Harry Potter stories. I gather she never quite got the hang of trimming it down to proper play size cos it’s in two bits, both over 2 hours long and you gets a couple of hours between them to go and eat something!
So you can see as how we needed a place to sleep – getting back to that Kings Ex station for a late train would’ve bin wuss than doing it arter the cruise woulda bin!
So we takes our small suitcase and a rucksack and gets the bus into Peterborough on the morning of Friday 15th December. It int far from the bus station to the railway station and we got on the 10:50 train direct to Kings Ex in that London.
This didn’t hev no spare seats on account of people hevin reserved them all so we both had to stand all the way! It was less than an hour but I hopes that that Mr Branston runs his pickle business better’n he run his railway!
Anyhoo, when we gets into Kings Ex we heads for the “toob” (as the natives calls it) and checks up on the credit on our Lobster Cards wot I told you about last time. I had to put an extra 15 quid on them both but that turned out to be enough to last us the whole trip!
We then played silly buggers, goin off in all sorts of wrong directions to try and find Bayswater and got to the hotel about 2.30pm.
As we’s a day early for the play we had to find sump’n to do for the rest of Friday so we went out for a walk in Kensington Gardens which is a great big park next door to that Hide Park which the missus say is where “Hide and Seek” was invented.
She had seen something about some sort of little ol’ Christmas Market on Hide Park so once again I had thoughts about getting some cut-price livestock! I’m a bit slow at thinking these things through and hadn’t given no thought to where I’d keep animals in the hotel for 2 days, ‘specially as the wardrobe in our room weren’t too big! Not to worry – it turned out it weren’t that sort of market anyway!
It was more like a big fun fair crossed with the Peterborough beer festival and one of them craft fairs what they hev in church halls everywhere! It was huge and even arter wandering around it for 2 hours we kept on finding bits we hadn’t been to before! They also searched our bags in case we was bringing in our own food and stopping them making money out of overcharging us for it!
Arter that we crossed over Park Lane (and didn’t get no 200 quid for passing GO, haha) and wandered down past that Mr Trump’s embassy to Oxford Street which we knew we had found when the Missus spotted all the Christmas lights on Selfridges! She had bin there once years and years ago and really made it sound special but when we went in it was just a shop like Marks and Sparks!
We’d had some grub in the market so arter going up all 4 floors of Selfridges (and not buying nothing) we walked to Marble Arch toob station and got a train to Queensway which is on Bayswater Road. I don’t understand the roads up that London because it turns out that Bayswater Road don’t go TO Bayswater – it go PAST it so we still had a bit of a walk to find the hotel again!
Next morning arter breakfast in the hotel we gathered up everything we needed for the whole day and set off at about 10 o’clock. We headed for Leicester Square toob station (which int in Leicester Square – it’s in Charing Cross Road so you see why I gets confused!) because it was nearest to the Palace Theatre where the play was.
We found out where we’d got to go and then mooched about in Leicester Square (which had a market in it a bit like the one we went to on Friday – just smaller and without all the fairground rides) and Covent Garden (which was a bit of a disappointment ‘cos it don’t sell fruit and veg like it used to).
At about noon we had a nice bowl of soup and a sandwich in a restaurant called “sup’n or other Valerie” and just before 1 o’clock joined the queue at the theatre. This was so as we could have our bags searched for weapons, explosives and food what hadn’t been bought on the premises – good job they didn’t find all the corf sweets hidden in my woolly hat!
The play started at about 2 p.m. and I ent allowed to tell you anything about it ‘cos they want the story kept secret even though half the country has probably seen it and you can buy a book with the script in it!
Anyways, at about half four the half time break happens and we gets chucked out into the cold and dark to find some dinner. As we’s not far from Chinatown I thought we’d try something foreign – so we ended up in a Pizza Express place in Charing Cross Road!
Then, at about half past six it were back in the queue to have our bags searched again (they ent half nosey up that London!) and back to the same seats for the second half. I can’t tell you nothing about that neither but I wasn’t expecting what actually happens so it was a nice surprise.
It were arter half past nine when it all ended and despite sitting in a chair most of the day we was both utterly knackered and went back to the hotel and straight to sleep!
Sunday morning in London was cold, dark and drizzly so arter breakfast we went directly to Kings Ex station and got on the Peterborough train. Obviously going to Peterborough ent as popular as what going to London is ‘cos this time there was plenty of seats so that was a nice end to the trip!
I think we’s got another trip up that London coming up in March to see some musical about them American terrorists George Washington and his mates but the missus tells me it int a panto and I ent allowed to boo them!
It’s called “Hamilton” and when I heard about it I thought it was going to be about the great Ipswich Town mid-fielder Bryan Hamilton and his wrongly disallowed goal in the 1975 FA Cup semi-final against West Ham! Oh well, I’ll try and enjoy it anyhow.
Word of explanation from the author.
If anyone has come across this piece in isolation and wonders what the hell they just read, this is my second attempt at a “Yokel in the big city” piece, the first being the one you can read here: https://littlealfie.wordpress.com/2016/09/10
I cribbed the idea for it from a large book of short essays by the late Alan Coren who loved to write in a variety of styles. I particularly liked his use of the term “Up that London” and wanted to see whether I could emulate his style. On re-reading both pieces the answer to that question would appear to be “No”. Twice!
Finally, may I assure readers who do not know me that I do not really talk like that – except when I do!